Communication Blunders

It's been just a little while, much longer than I anticipated. Life can get crazy amirite?!
Tonight, I decided that I was going to post something that I didn't initially have planned. This scenario actually just happened recently and it reminded me that we all have a journey learning how to successfully communicate to and with many different types of people on this planet. I just recently helped my little sister through a communication mishap that made me flashback to being in the 8th grade and how quickly drama can happen with just one simple slip of the tongue. Its something we have all struggled through: the power of our words.

My little sister is of the early teen years, in middle school and about to transition to a freshman. She has many friends and is active in many sports. Recently, she has been playing basketball for a team and she swings between the A and B team (there are many that do this). They are getting ready to play a tournament and two other girls that play on A team and swing down will be joining them. They are VERY GOOD PLAYERS! My sister is excited to play with them but she is worried that some of the other girls who were just starting to shine and be confident playing and trying, might loose that confidence. She thought it was a wonderful thing to see, those less confident players, coming into their own. She said so, but the words she spoke didn't describe what she actually meant. 

 I think we have all been there, we are trying to express positive things for others, to be sympathetic, empathetic, joyful, or caring... We are trying to be thoughtful. Yet, occasionally, we are met with hurt, anger, accusation, and consequence. What on earth happened? I have been quite known for this, I have always been extremely direct, not exactly sensitive, and unafraid to speak my mind, especially when asked. I have come into this situation so many times that I am no longer surprised when I get confused looks. I've had to learn  a lot about communication (I am by no means finished with this lesson either). As I sat with my sister and listened to her explain what she meant, what she said, and what reaction it caused, in a calm and safe environment, she was able to tell me and explain it all, what she said sounded awful what she meant, was full of compassion. I did my best to listen to everything she had to say, and though she did not ask me what she should do, I talked with her about my many experiences with this exact same issue.

Communication is complicated because it rarely matters what you say it only matters what someone else hears, and how they hear it (also known as, the way you say it). Everyone is looking at the world through their own filters that are composed of their experiences, this changes the way people respond to what you are saying. There are some obvious ones that most people are very consistent with i.e-you say "I love you" with an angry face and a growly voice, and not many people are going to believe that you love them, they are going to think you are angry, because you look  angry and you sound angry (because, fun fact, communication is like 75% body language, 20% tone, and 5% of words). Another hinderence to communication is assumption. This one is a little bit more difficult for me. I know what I am saying, what I mean, I know my personal intentions, so sometimes I don't think that long on the words I'm choosing. I say things (usually to my husband.... Okay mainly to my husband) that are direct and I don't think twice about them because I know my intention is to joke, or lift up, or empower... But the response I receive is hurt, angry, annoyed, or my personal favorite  not amused! Because he can only guess at what my intentions are, or assume that they were positive... That really goes the same for everyone. Now, those are the issues that I mainly run into when communicating. So how have I personally tried to combat that?

Lets start with this, slight disclaimer. I have unorthodox methods, because I have ADHD, and when I am in a relaxed state, impulse control with my words is not exactly the greatest. What I mean is that, If I am comfortable around people who are with me, and generally very comfortable within the situation I am in, I will say what is on my mind, as soon as its on my mind, exactly how it crosses my mind. Most people call it "no filter" so you can imagine how well that works for me 😬.  I usually try to see how I would respond to what I'm thinking of saying if I heard the words completely out of context. How would I react? Next I test them against TKN which stands for "is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?" (thanks mom!). The last one I run it by is Do I even need to voice this? Admittedly this also falls in line with true, kind, and necessary because if it doesn't fit into those categories I either shouldn't say it, or I need to rethink the way I am going to say it. I find this important because the power of my words can have far greater consequence then I presume or would give credit to. Lastly, We as human beings have two ears, and one mouth... Doesn't it make sense that we listen twice as much as we speak (thanks dad!). Admittedly this one is the most difficult for me, if I get excited about a conversation or concept I am all in, and the worst is when I am so excited I accidentally interrupt people. Thank you brain.

Obviously this is a ton to go through when you are trying to have a conversation and don't want to have a 3 minute pause every time you speak. However, as I've gotten older it has really helped me develop an understanding for how people in general like to be spoken to, and how I can avoid those awkward situations where something that was meant for good turns into something awful. Do I always get it right? Thats laughable even to ask. Do I try? You bet. Have these tools helped me communicate with others and understand how others would like to be spoken too? YES!

I enjoy these types of topics, if you have any tips and tricks you use, I would love to hear them! 😁

Friendships in Adulthood

I had this whole post planned, Even had most of it written out! I was so ready to jump in and get going. But as I sit here, in my robe in late afternoon while my toddler plays and my husband works and I still try and recover from this dreaded flu, I found myself ready to change the tone of how I wrote my very first blog. I want to write about my struggles with friendships while being an adult. So much more goes into making friends now that I am older. Like my family! Do they have kids? Are their kids the same age as mine? Will our husbands get along? Do they need to get along? Do they want to spend as much time together as I do? To be honest I haven't even hit into these questions yet because the "friends" I keep finding all around me, the friends I keep trying to make, seem to be chasing other things. Let me back up a little and explain. Eight months ago my little family and I made a move to a small little town outside of a larger, better known town. I had been in this small little town many times over my youth visiting my grandparents and aunts. I always LOVED it, the smells of the pine tree's, snow in the winter, the quaintness of the town. I still love all that. But here is what I don't love. Over the last 8 months I have met, talked with, planned outings with, and visited many different people here trying to establish friendships. Can you guess what happened? They all fizzled out. Every. Single. One.
I lost my confidence in my ability to meet new people, I second guessed my personality and my commitment, I started staying inside more, and I started taking my daughter out less. Why? Because I  lost my nerve, I lost my confidence. It was all just too hard. It seemed to me that I was always the one reaching out to people I had met, like the girl excited after a first date and thinking it went well. Was I being to overzealous? Was I not following some pre-ordained social construct for the correct way to make friends? Or worse.... Did they think I was a freak? I figured that I was just a little much and other people where more heavily involved in their family lives then I was, no big deal right? So I decided to back down a bit. To be okay wondering if I stopped reaching out, would I be remembered?
Then it happened, another day of scrolling through facebook at different times of the day. I saw my "friends" and they were sharing what they had been up too. They had all gone out as a group to do some merry time festivities together to celebrate. Not only had I not been invited but I felt like the only one who wasn't invited. Ouch! I felt like middle school, and high school all over again. Wasn't I past this? My husband said that maybe it was because I didn't put myself out there enough. Maybe it was because I didn't make friends with the right people in that group- whatever that means, and maybe he is right.
However, maybe, just maybe, I wasn't invited because they were apathetic towards me, and I'm not saying that none of these people want to be friends with me. I'm just saying at current they are no where near a level where I feel cared for or important in their lives.
In the summertime I had been invited to many of these outings and attended as many of them as I could. I don't know why the switch happened with the weather, and it put me down for quite a while. The self-consciousness was REAL! It took a lot to stop pitying myself and realize that it's not just me, and thats okay. I can still make friends, I don't have to be content with where I am at now, because I want more. In fact I became much closer with my different friends that lived all across this country that I hardly EVER get to see, but you bet they get excited when I can see them. I digress... Back to the point. Apathy in friendships can be quite damaging because you can spend as much time as you want pouring into creating a bond with someone else and always wondering if they care, if they like you, if you are annoying them or brightening their day. Its difficult when you can't tell how they feel towards you. It can, as I discovered, melt away your confidence. It can make you feel downright weird and inadequate! But you have to realize that maybe, just maybe it's not you, and maybe it's not them either, maybe they aren't even trying to make you feel that way at all. Maybe these people have other things on their plate right now, or they're looking for different types of friendships. I can't speak for other people (of course). What I can say is this. There are other avenues to finding the kinds of friendships that I would like to have and to keep, and I will keep looking. There are a ton of moms out there that feel like I do (That is, they would like to talk to someone who is above the age of 2). I will keep looking and I will leave behind the doubt and the discouraged feelings, life is too short to get stuck behind them.