Friendships in Adulthood

I had this whole post planned, Even had most of it written out! I was so ready to jump in and get going. But as I sit here, in my robe in late afternoon while my toddler plays and my husband works and I still try and recover from this dreaded flu, I found myself ready to change the tone of how I wrote my very first blog. I want to write about my struggles with friendships while being an adult. So much more goes into making friends now that I am older. Like my family! Do they have kids? Are their kids the same age as mine? Will our husbands get along? Do they need to get along? Do they want to spend as much time together as I do? To be honest I haven't even hit into these questions yet because the "friends" I keep finding all around me, the friends I keep trying to make, seem to be chasing other things. Let me back up a little and explain. Eight months ago my little family and I made a move to a small little town outside of a larger, better known town. I had been in this small little town many times over my youth visiting my grandparents and aunts. I always LOVED it, the smells of the pine tree's, snow in the winter, the quaintness of the town. I still love all that. But here is what I don't love. Over the last 8 months I have met, talked with, planned outings with, and visited many different people here trying to establish friendships. Can you guess what happened? They all fizzled out. Every. Single. One.
I lost my confidence in my ability to meet new people, I second guessed my personality and my commitment, I started staying inside more, and I started taking my daughter out less. Why? Because I  lost my nerve, I lost my confidence. It was all just too hard. It seemed to me that I was always the one reaching out to people I had met, like the girl excited after a first date and thinking it went well. Was I being to overzealous? Was I not following some pre-ordained social construct for the correct way to make friends? Or worse.... Did they think I was a freak? I figured that I was just a little much and other people where more heavily involved in their family lives then I was, no big deal right? So I decided to back down a bit. To be okay wondering if I stopped reaching out, would I be remembered?
Then it happened, another day of scrolling through facebook at different times of the day. I saw my "friends" and they were sharing what they had been up too. They had all gone out as a group to do some merry time festivities together to celebrate. Not only had I not been invited but I felt like the only one who wasn't invited. Ouch! I felt like middle school, and high school all over again. Wasn't I past this? My husband said that maybe it was because I didn't put myself out there enough. Maybe it was because I didn't make friends with the right people in that group- whatever that means, and maybe he is right.
However, maybe, just maybe, I wasn't invited because they were apathetic towards me, and I'm not saying that none of these people want to be friends with me. I'm just saying at current they are no where near a level where I feel cared for or important in their lives.
In the summertime I had been invited to many of these outings and attended as many of them as I could. I don't know why the switch happened with the weather, and it put me down for quite a while. The self-consciousness was REAL! It took a lot to stop pitying myself and realize that it's not just me, and thats okay. I can still make friends, I don't have to be content with where I am at now, because I want more. In fact I became much closer with my different friends that lived all across this country that I hardly EVER get to see, but you bet they get excited when I can see them. I digress... Back to the point. Apathy in friendships can be quite damaging because you can spend as much time as you want pouring into creating a bond with someone else and always wondering if they care, if they like you, if you are annoying them or brightening their day. Its difficult when you can't tell how they feel towards you. It can, as I discovered, melt away your confidence. It can make you feel downright weird and inadequate! But you have to realize that maybe, just maybe it's not you, and maybe it's not them either, maybe they aren't even trying to make you feel that way at all. Maybe these people have other things on their plate right now, or they're looking for different types of friendships. I can't speak for other people (of course). What I can say is this. There are other avenues to finding the kinds of friendships that I would like to have and to keep, and I will keep looking. There are a ton of moms out there that feel like I do (That is, they would like to talk to someone who is above the age of 2). I will keep looking and I will leave behind the doubt and the discouraged feelings, life is too short to get stuck behind them.